Ryuusei no Rockman: Novel Version

[Thirdmaster]

Ryuusei no Rockman: Novel Version

Well, I'm doing this in an attempt to improve my English, so here goes... I don't really like the use of dialogue(I'm not very good in it), so I try my best to refrain from using it... ;;;


The evening skies were clear, devoid of dark clouds. Stars dotted the sky, coming into view as the black of night took over.

"A starry sky tonight," said Subaru.

"It would be a wise idea to search for dad's space station today."

So saying, Subaru picked his visualizers off his table, placing them into his pocket. With that done, he left the house without a word and headed to his destination, Vista Point, not too far from his house. As he walked past the school gates of the Elementary school he once studied in, a commanding voice stopped him in his tracks. He spun around and saw a girl of about his age, standing on the pavement. Behind her, he could make out the shapes of 2 others: one seemingly obese and another of small proportions, perhaps a dwarf.

Uninterested in the unlikely trio which he had never seen before, he turned away and started to walk off. The larger boy, angered by his lack of response, ran up to him, grabbing him forcefully by the collar and dragging him back to where he stood a few seconds ago.

"That's enough, Gonta." The girl said. Subaru felt the force release itself and he fell on the hard concrete pavement. After a brief introduction by the "leader", who turned out to be his supposed class president of the year, Luna, and the smaller kid, Kizamaro, It dawned on Subaru that they were out full force and determined to "capture" him back to school, the dreaded place he never set foot in since the agonizing news of the destruction of "Peace", the space station his father was in.

"If we manage to bring you back to school, our class president would get a lot of points, sufficient to become the head president!" Kizamaro, the brainy one chimed.

"So you're the kid who didn't come back to school ever since your father died, eh?" Gonta said.

These statements angered Subaru, and he attempted to run towards Vista Point. it was getting late, and he didn't want to waste anymore time on them. Gonta reached out to grab him back, but Subaru made a quick turn to shake him off, sprinting towards his destination.

5 minutes later, Subaru arrived at Vista Point, tired and panting. After catching some breath, he took a sat down on the grass nearby and leaned backwards. The stars shone brightly, periodically flashing as they usually did.

He thought about his father, who was one of the crew on board the space station "Peace", which aimed to establish a Brotherband link with a foreign planet recently discovered. The brotherband would signify friendship and peace, hence the name of the station. It, however, appeared to have failed, as news of the station's remains found in the sea spread not too long ago.

Subaru, however, firmly believes that his father is still alive and goes to Vista Point everyday with the hope of finding his father, or at least some trace of evidence which leads to him.

-To be continued(a few minutes later)

 

[PrimoPiccolo]

You know, for someone who doesn't have English as their first language, you use it quite well, better than a lot of Americans I see on the internet. Since you want to improve, I'll point out a few things.

Subaru picked his visualizers off his table

The term for the glasses Subaru's dad invented is just called the Visualizer. And you have to describe the full action, which means Subaru picked up the glasses. So the correct structure would be, "Subaru picked the Visualizer up off his table".

It dawned on Subaru that they were out full force and determined to "capture" him back to school, the dreaded place he never set foot in since the agonizing news of the destruction of "Peace", the space station his father was in.

The word 'capture' doesn't denote travel, therefore you must add the second action of transporting him with the conjunction 'and'. One more thing (which really just depends on who's reading it, it may not bother others), you may want to describe places before giving their name. So I would structure that paragraph more like this: "It dawned on Subaru that they were out in full force, determined to "capture" him and take him back to school, a place he's dreaded and hasn't set foot in since he heard the agonizing news about the space station "Peace", where his father worked, having been destroyed.

Gonta reached out to grab him back, but Subaru made a quick turn to shake him off, sprinting towards his destination.

The reader already knows what Gonta's intentions are, so you don't need to use the word 'back' in this case. And after Subaru takes evasive action to escape Gonta, he does something different, so you'll need to use a changing word. "Gonta reached out to grab him, but Subaru quickly turned to shake him off, then sprinted towards his destination."

After catching some breath, he took a sat down on the grass nearby and leaned backwards.

Since breath is a personal thing, as opposed to the air, you want to add a personal description. And the action of sitting can be described in past tense by either using the past tense of the word itself, or using another past tense along with the proper noun of the word. "After catching some of his breath, he sat down on the grass nearby and leaned backwards."/"After catching some of his breath, he took a seat on the grass nearby and leaned backwards."

Subaru, however, firmly believes that his father is still alive and goes to Vista Point everyday with the hope of finding his father, or at least some trace of evidence which leads to him.

After explaining who you're talking about, you don't need to use the description of the character in that sentence again. "Subaru, however, firmly believes that his father is still alive, and goes to Vista Point everyday with the hope of finding him, or at least some trace of evidence which leads to him."


Sorry if I went into a little too much detail, I've been an editor as long as I can remember.